5/25/2010

When 'I' Am Depressed

Depression is a disease. Spiritual practice is not a substitute for medical treatment, but it can be part of the treatment. The following practice, even if it only grants some understanding, can be helpful in lightening the weary weight.

'I' am sad.
'I' am lost in a fog.
'I' am falling down a bottomless well into darkness.
'I' am anxious about anything, about nothing,
about being anxious.
'I' am hopelessly tired of living.
'I' am worthless.
'I' am longing for non-existence.
'I' am not me.
Who am 'I'?
'I' am depressed...

These are my names.
These are my adjectives,
a long list to get rid of,
a long list to carry,
an endless list to be...

Yet they all stand on a ghost
called 'I.'

If this endless heaviness rests
on a ghostly, weak and worthless 'I,'
wouldn't it be easier just
to let go of 'I'
than to carry all these feelings
that 'I' have?

Who is this 'I' that is so sad?
Who is lost and falling?
Who is anxious, tired, and worthless?
What if there is no 'I'
for all these feelings to stand on?

Could it be that 'I' am just a thought
made of nothing?
If 'I' dissolve, then 'sad,' 'lost,' 'anxious,' 'depressed'
fall away into emptiness
like withered leaves cut off from their root.

What if my suffering is just the thought of 'I'?
What if 'I' am a thought, not a problem?

Breathing out, 'I' am released.
Breathing in, no 'I' returns.
Just a breath, just a breath.
And if 'I' arise again,
this 'I' seems thinner, lighter,
more transparent to the vast
space of Being.

Now, pure breath fills my heart.
No 'I,' just breath, just breath...

No comments: