Circles of Desire

Desire is not a linear path that leads us toward a goal. Desire is circular. The fulfillment of a desire is not progress toward some end. Rather, it carries us back to the state we were in before the desire arose.

In actuality, we are always there, in the same desireless place. We come from this space, we are destined for this space. And in this space there is no time.

Yet through desire we create time. We make constant little excursions and side trips of desire, sensation, and return. Finally, we tire of desire-tripping and awaken to just being here.

Now we desire one last thing: Fully awake, to explore this home space, this Om space, the unfathomable ocean of not wanting.

I do not desire to go "beyond" desire. I desire to rest before desire, a priori desire, deeper than any sadness or joy.

So I watch desire without suppressing it. I witness desire and the fulfillment of desire, remaining awake. Without judgment, I notice where I Am at the beginning and the end of desire.

By fulfilling this desire, do I possess anything I did not own before I began this excursion? Have I advanced down any sort of path? Is the present moment at the end of this desire and its fulfillment any different than the moment when the desire arose? Or are they actually the same eternal moment?

Again, I watch my desire rise and fall, without suppressing or grasping it, or naming it "right" or "wrong." What if I honor this desire and feel it completely, but do not enact it?

What if I sense my desire, not as the repeated image of a past experience, or the imagination of a future one, but as present living energy in my body?

Now I feel this desire fulfill itself. I feel it burn itself away, a galaxy of dissolving electrons in my forehead, throat, chest, belly, or groin....

Have I lost any pleasure by not putting my desire into action?

Or have I in fact gained something quite profound: a more established, solidified, permanent Witness, a deeper inner Silence?