Nondualists tell us there is no seeker, no path, and nothing to seek. But they often make us feel worse because we didn't get liberated from seeking during their afternoon workshop. Such teachers are not helping anyone. After taking their workshop, we are not only left with our seeking, but we feel guilty about it!
Why resist seeking? Resistance feeds duality. Just be compassionate toward yourself. Hug your seeking as a mother watches her child. The compulsion to seek has been arising in us for thousands of lifetimes. The fact that seeking doesn't disappear in a flash is no sign of weakness. Life lives in waves. We can authentically be both jnani and bhakti, non-dual and dual. We are Oneness playfully seeking itself. Where is the conflict?
I am a seeker. I have an authentic moment of non-duality: "There is no path and nothing to seek: I dissolve in boundless contentment!" But in a little while, the path reappears. I am a seeker again. Now I assume that, either the moment of realization was inauthentic, or I must relinquish my spiritual practice. I practiced regular sadhana of meditation for years, then went to a non-duality workshop, and now emerge even more confused - feeling guilty that my seeking did not vanish in a flash, yet also feeling guilty about practicing meditation. Non-duality has doubled my affliction!
This whole drama is another sub-plot of my melodrama, and how this mind loves drama! The story about a seeker, a path, a guru and a goal has fed this mind for eons. Someday the voice that tells this story will fade into silence. Until then, why beat my breast and cry, "Woe, I am a weak and fallen seeker!" This is just the new age version of a guilty sinner.
I seek, and sometimes I transcend seeking. Why not accept both realities? Why not just say, "I had a moment when no practice was required, because there was no separation between who I am and who I seek. The need for the Master dissolved. That moment was authentic. Now it is gone, and I find myself meditating, practicing sadhana, longing to be with my guru again. So what? This too is authentic."
Forgive this old mind. Have mercy on its ancient seeking. The seed of non-seeking is planted. What does it matter if the old habit still comes and goes for a little while? No need to feed conflict either by clinging to the path or rejecting the path.
When I am gently aware of my seeking, seeking gradually fades into all-mothering awareness, as waves settle into the sea.
No comments:
Post a Comment