Twinkie Meditation

"Sin boldly." (Martin Luther)

The problem is not that Hostess Twinkies are bad for you. What isn't? The problem is that we feel guilty when we eat them.

To renounce Hostess Twinkies is the lower spiritual path. The higher path is to renounce guilt.

Once you master this mindfulness practice for eating Hostess Twinkies, you can apply it to chocolate ice cream, scrapple, and a host of other experiences that I don't even want to mention.

1. Take a deep breath in, then exhale, thinking: "I am here on earth to eat this Hostess Twinkie. What else could I possibly do in this present moment?"

2. Take a bite of the twinkie. Taste it mindfully. "Breathing in, I know that I am eating a Hostess Twinkie. Breathing out, I know that I feel guilty about it."

3. Now chew the twinkie very slowly, and repeat the following sutras.

"Breathing in, I know that the guilt is in my head, not in the twinkie.

"Breathing out, I know that the twinkie contains no guilt, just a lot of chemicals.

"Breathing in, I know that the twinkie tastes wonderful anyway.

"Breathing out, I see Hostess Twinkies growing on the Tree of Life."

4. Swallow your twinkie, quietly saying, "Mmmmmm."

5. With a smile on your face, repeat the following sutras.

"Breathing in, I don't give a flying fuck if some factory worker spit his chewing tobacco in the batter.

"Breathing out, I don't care if a thousand cock roaches were poisoned by toxins and dissolved in the icing."

6. Now end your meditation with a sutra of deep gratitude, mindfully breathing.

I survived my Hostess Twinkie. I am free of all guilt. Thank you.

By your grace, O Lord, I will digest it.

Om Shantih Shantih Shantih.