New archeological evidence proves conclusively that Buddha never sat in the lotus posture! The lotus was invented by Christian missionaries because they thought Buddhism sounded too easy.

The missionaries taught the Indians that no one gets saved without a crucifixion. Though he is a very loving God, God is also very angry, and he has to take out his anger on somebody. To prove it, they told horrific stories about Jesus in agony, hanging on a cross to please his father. But the Indians just shrugged their shoulders and replied, “Our savior smiles a lot. If we want to get saved, we just breathe.”

So the missionaries drew pictures of Sakyamuni tying his legs in knots and sitting on them so he would look miserable, just like a missionary. The truth was, Buddha had chronic lower back pain. When he wanted to rest, he just laid on a big pillow, propped his chin on his elbow, and ate grapes. That too was meditation. After a long day, he and his friends would lounge on pillows, mindfully munching their snacks.

The goal of the meditation was to eat a grape without one thought in your head: just sweetness. If you started talking, Buddha would wave you off with a flower. Twirling a flower in his hand had no meaning whatsoever. It was just his way of saying, “Be quiet! Can’t you see I’m trying to eat?”

Interesting how, in every world religion, the whole damned business always comes down to one thing: sharing a meal with your friends. So if you get tired of carrying your cross or sitting in the lotus posture, just lie on a big pillow with a friend and prayerfully eat some grapes. Or some pizza. You may or may not experience Nirvana. But your knees will feel a lot better.